We start the chapter at 8:30 that evening, with Gris waiting on the villa's patio, "all steamed up to go." This would be a good place for a joke about coal and Viagra.
As 8:30 becomes 8:45 without any signal, Gris grows, uh, achy, and worried. "Had the girl said no? Oh, if she knew what Prahd had given me she would certainly never say no! Maybe I should have given Ahmed a portrait of it."
Look at this car. Nice, isn't it? Now look at this framed portrait of a dong. How would you like to sleep with the owner of this car and that dong? Oh, here's a bag of cash. Deal?
But at nine on the dot Gris hears "THE HORN!" blasting like "an earthquake," causing him to... uh, "went out of there like a racehorse from the starting gate." Weak verbage there, Hubbard, simile storm or no.
Strangely, the terrain around the cedar tree is thick with caravans of camels and donkeys, but Gris eventually pushes through to reach the limo and Ahmed... uh, memory's not too good, but I think Ahmed is also known as Deplor but more commonly called "the taxi driver." But in this chapter for whatever reason he's Ahmed.
Ahmed explains that the half-hour delay was due to tonight's girl being an "untried maiden," and it took both Ahmed/Deplor/the taxi driver and Ters the evil laugh to keep her from bolting. He shows Gris in the back seat of the limo and introduces him to Blank Hanim... so, censorship or a really weird name or..? well, he points his finger at her and says "Remember what I told you and be good. You please him you hear me?" And the girl is wide-eyed and convulsively swallowing, but Gris knows that this is "a good sign."
The animals make things a little difficult - they're curious little beasts who keep looking through the window and grabbing clothing with their teeth. But it's not enough to stop Gris from doing, ah, his business.
The woman's great black eyes were pools of passion--or terror. I did not bother to decide which.
With a ripping yank, I got the veil off her face.
"O Allah," she said.
She was beautiful.
I started to get out of my clothes.
"O Allah!" she said.
There was a tap at the window. I faced it in a rage. A donkey was standing there, staring.
I rolled down the window,
I still held the veil. I hit him in the face with it!
He deafened me with a bray.
He didn't go away.
To Hells with him.
I grabbed the woman.
"O ALLAH!" she screamed.
The car springs began to rock.
"OOOO ALLLLLLLAAAAAAAH!" screamed the woman.
The moonlit world went into a spin for me.
"An outrageous and wildly funny read," said the San Fransisco Examiner. "The kind of adventure and excitement that made all of us fans to begin with," said Xignals Magazine.
There was a hissing sound. I listened to it for a while.
I looked up.
The donkey and two camels were looking in the window.
I yelled at them.
They raced away.
The hissing sound continued.
I realized a car tire was going flat.
To Hells with it!
Once more the car springs began to rock.
The sound of the woman's voice racketed clear to the road. "I'm drowning! I'm drowning!"
"Science fiction with a sense of humor and a real page-turner," said Donald Kingsbury. "A wild compound of science fiction action, political satire and sexual comedy," said The Cincinnati Post.
A camel driver came up to the car. He saw the springs rocking.
He stuck his head in the window.
"O Allah!" he said.
I was able to sit up again. I saw what the trouble was. The dome light was still on. I reached over and hit it savagely. It went off.
The camel driver raised his lantern up, flooding the interior again with light.
I grabbed the woman's cloak and threw it in his face.
I got busy again.
Above the squeak of car springs, I could hear him outside talking.
To Hells with them.
"O ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" screamed the woman.
"Ironic, exciting, romantic and hilarious," said Orson Scott Card. "Fantastic adventure, beats like a strong pulse," said The Book World.
An exhausted Gris scrambles over the front seat and leaves the limo on the other side, tripping over his pants on the way out. He decides he's had too good a time to be bothered by the animals' "voyeur tendencies." Ters appears "from somewhere," gives his evil laugh, starts inflating the flat tire, gives another evil laugh, and drives off.
In the back window, lit by moonlight, I could see the woman staring back at me. She had a very beseeching look.
Ah, I thought triumphantly, there goes a VERY satisfied female!
Despite all the disturbances, it had been quite a night!
It sure has.
So, gentle reader, how many clues can you spot that suggest that this innocent booty delivery service isn't all that it seems? Also note that the author is cheating here - later on he'll reveal some information that makes it even more obvious something is wrong, but Gris will only be able to notice it in retrospect.
Back to Chapter Six
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