Part Fifty-Three, Chapter Two - The (Possibly) True Origin of Teenie Whopper

So Gris contacts Rockecenter's chief, not to say "two of your employees are blackmailing me into attempting to reverse Psychiatric Birth Control" or anything, but to ask for a "résumé of your file on Teenie Whopper."  So we get our fourth account of Teenie's history, solving the mystery of her past, assuming her character was in any way compelling rather than repellent. 

Teenie's parents, Hazel and Shaker Whopper, are con artists still active in Canada who specialized in the badger game... huh, that's a real thing.  Anyway, because this book is a hilarious sci-fi espionage satirical romantic thriller, Teenie's parents forced their underaged daughter to extort money form victims after being photographed performing oral sex on them.  This went on until they tried it on Judge Hammer Twist, who had cops waiting, declared the Whoppers unfit parents, and assigned the girl a court-appointed guardian, who died three years ago of alcoholism.  She was expelled from school half a year ago, hired by Rockecenter, and subsequently fired.

So that's the true? backstory of Teenie!  Nobody asked for it, and nobody wants Teenie in the story, but here it is, taking up pages. (editor's note from the future: well, the author wants her in the story.  Hubbard's got big plans for Teenie in Book Nine and Ten, you'll see)

Gris is thrilled when the security chief is able to give him psychiatric case numbers and the name of her psychologist - "Oh, Gods, had I hit the jackpot!  A child pawn in a sex blackmail game.  And a mental problem!  I was IN!"  He then calls up Judge Hammer Twist to seek more information.  The Judge mentions that Teenie was just in an order "enjoining some Turkish nut from murdering her," but instead of asking him to rescind that order on authority granted by Rockecenter himself, Gris asks if Teenie did "anything irregular" with the Judge.  The answer is "of course not."  Wow, Teenie was not entirely truthful.  "A really pathological case.  And DANGEROUS!"

So Gris calls Teenie's psychologist, who remembers the brat because she "went in the locker room must before the biggest game of the seasons and went down on the whole football team.  Weakened them.  They lost, of course."  Thanks, Hubbard.  But no, Teenie was never his assistant, she is in fact a teller of falsehoods.

Then Gris calls Teenie's psychiatrist, who remembers his old hyperactive patient and his textbook treatment of the problem.

"She didn't ever go down on you, did she?"

"(Bleep) no!  The proper treatment for hyperactivity is sexual release, of course.  You put the patient on a table, strapped down, and use a hand vibrator.  In the case of girls, of course, you might have to give them kisses to provide oral stimulation to get them started.  But I assure you, the vibrator produces a perfectly acceptable orgasm or ejaculation in any child.

Thanks, Hubbard.

Fun fact, though, this was actually an old treatment of female "hysteria."

Did she say I had her go down on me?"

"She certainly did."

"That's absurd.  Why should I want a little girl to go down on me when I have my hands absolutely full of young boys that have to be converted to homos?  Why would you use girls to do that when you've got so many boys to do it?  Makes no sense!"

Thanks, Hubbard.

"So she lies," I said.

"Of course," he said.

And it's taken Gris this long to come to grips with the fact, because he keeps asking for confirmation.

So Gris finally asks whether this guy will sign an order committing Teenie to an asylum, but  the psychiatrist is outraged at the very thought.  See, Teenie is on file for "symptoms permanently submerged, have seldom seen a child so hollow-eyed and (bleeped) up, skin and bone."  A successful case, in other words.  Having her committed would imply that the wonderful science of psychology can potentially fail.  The guy hangs up angrily at the very thought... wait, the psychologists last chapter were trying to get their patient to develop a neurosis.  Bah, whatever.

And now, Gris will pretend that this is part of an interesting and meaningful conflict.

But Teenie Whopper?

A pawn trained by experts in the badger game from infancy.

Thanks, Hubbard.

A confirmed pot smoker.

That actually reduces the threat level.

A pathological liar racing around ruining everyone's reputation.

That's no more exciting than gossiping housewives.

She could get me sterilized and sent to prison to be (bleeped) by homo cons.

That can be chalked up to your staggering stupidity, really.

DANGEROUS!  She made Jack the Ripper look like a saint!

I guess this is the problem with showing us what the villain's doing up until the point the hero defeats him.  Having run out of things for Gris to do, Hubbard is forced to come up with subplots like Teenie's to keep Gris' story going, while Heller sits on a boat miles off the coast of the Plot.

I had passed by my last opportunity to murder her.  I couldn't strangle her now without going to prison if she vanished.

So you vanish.  Get a fetching nosejob back in Afyon and come back to New York as Sultan Bey's second cousin Emir Caliph or something.  Stay away from ex-lesbian masochists with an uncomfortably open-minded approach to teen sex.  Problem solved.

I couldn't possibly leave her alive to ruin me with lies and photos.  And I couldn't kill her.  All solutions were blocked.

Hell, it's been established that Voltarian science has spray-on melanin dispensers, so you could come back as a black guy.  You said yourself that nobody in American can tell black people apart.  Good disguise, huh?  No?

I began to feel sort of insane.

I couldn't stay here with homos pawing at me.

I couldn't leave.

Yes you could.

Yet I had to leave.

So you should.

If I left, Teenie and a warrant for rape could reach me and finish me wherever I went.

You're not listening to me, are you?

Suddenly, bravely, I realized I could not just sit there and go crazy.

I must get a plan.  I must get a plan.  I must get a plan!

So he just sits there and watches Heller's viewscreen.  When Gris says "plan," you see, he means "sit around until INSPIRATION strikes." (editor's note from the future: that's actually the overarching theme of this book)


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Forward to Chapter Three